Forgiveness
"Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace."--Jonathan Huie
I chose the above quote to start this post because it so closely aligns with my own thinking about forgiveness. The author of the quote is not someone I have read, as I don’t read self-help. But these words of his are wise.
Forgiving a person who has wronged you is different from forgetting a wrong. We don’t consciously control what we remember and what we forget, so hurtful acts done unto us can linger in our memories long after we feel we have forgiven the person who wronged us,
When we forgive, we do so for ourselves, more so than for the person we are forgiving. Forgiveness is a conscious choice to release oneself from the feelings that result from another person’s actions. Holding onto resentment hurts us more than it does the person who did the hurting. Forgiveness is what sets us free from that resentment.
A long time ago, I had a lot of forgiving of one of my parents to do. It took significant effort, but it did set me free from some tough aspects of my childhood. I know a woman who has been terribly wronged by her former husband, the extent to which has come to light some years after their divorce. Last I knew, she was seeking revenge by attempting to ruin his career. She has her reasons for going after him in this way. She feels justified. I understand her rage and her desire to hurt this person who has so egregiously hurt her. And yet, I do not believe that revenge will set her free from her feelings about him. Only forgiveness can set us free.
Forgiveness is typically not an easy path. But it is a rewarding one. What place has forgiveness played in your life?
I agree with you that we forgive to free ourselves from the feelings which will, if we do not release them, forever (negatively) attach us to the source of our pain. What I have personally found is that before we can forgive it is important to acknowledge and discharge all the feelings of anger we have towards the person who wronged us. Best done with a therapist though…
I believe that this stage, if skipped, can lead to someone almost being forced to gaslight themselves…to ‘pretend’ that what was done to them wasn’t a big deal. In the case of abuse victims, this can actually be really harmful as this form of denying the truth was probably already done to them in the first case 🫣
I ‘only’ had to forgive an ex husband who did what so often happens in failing relationships…omitting to tell me he had found a replacement. Which hurt me a great deal. We are now friendly and I have forgiven him…it wasn’t abuse, unless you count an abuse of my trust as such.
But I haven’t forgotten!
Thank you for this essay. Forgiveness might be my greatest weakness. I can forgive people who harm me, mostly by considering what brought them to that point—I might still be wary of them, though! But I find it really hard to forgive those who have hurt my children. I don’t stew about it and I know you’re right and I would be better off letting it go and forgiving them, but I’m not there yet. Thank you for the reminder to keep working on it.