I agree with you that we forgive to free ourselves from the feelings which will, if we do not release them, forever (negatively) attach us to the source of our pain. What I have personally found is that before we can forgive it is important to acknowledge and discharge all the feelings of anger we have towards the person who wronged us. Best done with a therapist though…
I believe that this stage, if skipped, can lead to someone almost being forced to gaslight themselves…to ‘pretend’ that what was done to them wasn’t a big deal. In the case of abuse victims, this can actually be really harmful as this form of denying the truth was probably already done to them in the first case 🫣
I ‘only’ had to forgive an ex husband who did what so often happens in failing relationships…omitting to tell me he had found a replacement. Which hurt me a great deal. We are now friendly and I have forgiven him…it wasn’t abuse, unless you count an abuse of my trust as such.
Thank you for this essay. Forgiveness might be my greatest weakness. I can forgive people who harm me, mostly by considering what brought them to that point—I might still be wary of them, though! But I find it really hard to forgive those who have hurt my children. I don’t stew about it and I know you’re right and I would be better off letting it go and forgiving them, but I’m not there yet. Thank you for the reminder to keep working on it.
Thank you for sharing your story and that of your acquaintance.
I grew up living with my mother and my siblings lived with our father. I learned years later how abusive our father was and the extent of the abuse my brother endured. Through it all my brother has remained a devoted son, putting his life on hold for a man who used to beat him. When I learned about the abuse, I asked him how he could sacrifice so much for our father. He told me it was so he could let go of the anger and not turn out like him.
The power of forgiveness over holding onto the anger can be life-changing.
I agree with you that we forgive to free ourselves from the feelings which will, if we do not release them, forever (negatively) attach us to the source of our pain. What I have personally found is that before we can forgive it is important to acknowledge and discharge all the feelings of anger we have towards the person who wronged us. Best done with a therapist though…
I believe that this stage, if skipped, can lead to someone almost being forced to gaslight themselves…to ‘pretend’ that what was done to them wasn’t a big deal. In the case of abuse victims, this can actually be really harmful as this form of denying the truth was probably already done to them in the first case 🫣
I ‘only’ had to forgive an ex husband who did what so often happens in failing relationships…omitting to tell me he had found a replacement. Which hurt me a great deal. We are now friendly and I have forgiven him…it wasn’t abuse, unless you count an abuse of my trust as such.
But I haven’t forgotten!
Wise words, Esther. I wholeheartedly agree!
Thank you for this essay. Forgiveness might be my greatest weakness. I can forgive people who harm me, mostly by considering what brought them to that point—I might still be wary of them, though! But I find it really hard to forgive those who have hurt my children. I don’t stew about it and I know you’re right and I would be better off letting it go and forgiving them, but I’m not there yet. Thank you for the reminder to keep working on it.
I hear you, Barbara! We are works in progress.
Thank you for sharing your story and that of your acquaintance.
I grew up living with my mother and my siblings lived with our father. I learned years later how abusive our father was and the extent of the abuse my brother endured. Through it all my brother has remained a devoted son, putting his life on hold for a man who used to beat him. When I learned about the abuse, I asked him how he could sacrifice so much for our father. He told me it was so he could let go of the anger and not turn out like him.
The power of forgiveness over holding onto the anger can be life-changing.