Happiness
What is happiness? It’s a modern-day question, one that those of us who have had our basic needs (food, shelter, etc.) met throughout our lives have the luxury of asking. I decided to query some friends (about thirty people), via email, about their happiest five years. The number was meant as a guideline. The question is when in your life have you been at your happiest.
I was curious to see if there would be differences by gender. I wrote to friends who are in their late fifties through mid-eighties, so I wasn’t expecting big differences by age cohort. I didn’t have a hypothesis, so this has not been actual social research, and my sample is too small to draw any conclusions. Still, it has been fascinating to read what responders have written to me.
One theme that emerged is that women cherish their memories of parenting their children when they were young. One friend, a non-mother, wrote of the birth of her sister’s first child, her sister’s generosity is sharing her baby, and how watching him grow was “beyond joyful.” She said her heart really showed her what it was capable of. Another friend mentioned parenting her young son but emphasized these past three years of her life during which she has had a close relationship with a granddaughter. Several other women wrote that the first few years of their children’s lives were the happiest time in their own lives. This, despite the fatigue and challenges involved in parenting young children.
There were some other responses (falling in love, one’s own childhood, for instance) but the only recurring theme was parenting, among the women. I received no responses from men.
My quest began with me thinking about the first five years of my second daughter’s life, a time when I was raising a child who was five through ten years old as well. I was so amazed by how much love I felt for these two young beings. Of course, there was not enough sleep, accompanied by the fatigue that sometimes came with dealing with young children around the clock, but what I experienced more than anything else was how expansive my heart felt. I had never known such an abundance of joy, and I have not known such since. I was blessed with two healthy and happy children during that time. Life would become much more complicated with my older daughter’s descent into crippling OCD and anorexia, starting when she was just ten, but in the years previous, my heart soared.
It is a useful exercise to think about when we have been at our happiest. Most of my responders began their emails stating that they found the question intriguing. Some thought about it for days before responding. I think that a part of maintaining a sense of resilience involves holding happy memories. I was not surprised to read such honest and thoughtful responses to my question.
What have been the happiest times in your life?
I find this to be an intriguing question as well, and I liked what you said about happy memories being important to resilience. The past few months for me have been some of the least happy I've had in years, and maybe this reminder to reflect on happy memories too will help during this time.
As someone without children, my response will deviate from the theme. My happiest memories are from about a decade ago when my life was very adventurous, I was moving around a lot, traveling to different places, and working jobs I loved in beautiful places around the country. They were short-term jobs, so my life was not very stable, and I wasn't making a ton of money, but I remember feeling like I was exactly where I wanted to be doing exactly what I wanted to do. And I felt very grateful to have that feeling, because I know a lot of people probably never feel quite that way.
Another happy time in my life was the first year or so after I moved to Washington, DC, where I've been living for about 2.5 years now. I got to settle down in one place after a very nomadic decade or so, I felt like there were so many things to do and see in my new city, and I developed a thriving social life in a city that I enjoy (despite thinking I'd never be a city person).
Thanks for your writing and this question. I read all of your posts but I don't typically post comments, so I just want you to know that I'm enjoying what you write.
Aside from three heart-rending tragedies, I tend to feel that each year is better than the previous one. I can certainly point to a few particularly blissful periods, but drawing aside the curtain of nostalgia, I recall the shadows there as well; individual moments of uncomplicated joy are easier to identify. For the length of time you ask about, I'd have to go with the last few years. I have everything I ever wanted: writing, family (especially grandchildren), friends, community, books to read, woods to walk in.