Acceptance

"The older I get, the more I believe that the greatest kindness is acceptance."--Christina Baker Kline

I recently read a passage by Ram Dass, in which he talks about how accepting we are of the differences we observe in trees as we walk through the woods. Different varieties, different sizes. Perhaps one tree is dwarfed due to lack of adequate sunlight. Another is misshapen by disease. We make these observations with acceptance. This is simply the way these trees are. But when we get around people we are often not so generous. Our judging minds become active. Why can’t this person behave the way I want him to? Why has that person put on so much weight? The real question, at the root of these judgements, is why can’t we observe people the way we observe trees, with curiosity rather than with judgement?

I don’t know about you, but I try to practice acceptance and non-judgement. It’s easier with trees than with people, making this practice in regard to humans important. I find that growing older has muted that critical voice in my head, but it has not been eliminated.

It certainly feels better to view people we know, people we meet for the first time, and people we pass on the street with compassion rather than judgement. I read somewhere recently that research psychologists have determined that it takes us mere seconds to judge a stranger as safe or unsafe. Of course, this makes sense. We are hard-wired to do this. We evolved, eons ago, to stay clear of someone who feels threatening. This is a survival response. However, I work to remain open about my misconceptions. We all experience faulty first impressions of people, but we can’t learn that these impressions are faulty if we don’t remain open to that possibility. Decades ago, I realized that I tended to make quick decisions regarding how I feel about someone new to me, but that I was also quite open to being wrong about them. These days, rather than waiting until a person proves my impression wrong, I try to soften my view of them immediately. How wrong I’ve been before, so that may easily be the case now. Why not give someone the benefit of the doubt, even when a first interaction feels off? We are all flawed characters, and we all deserve a second chance. Often, the quickest way to get past a first negative experience with someone is to react with kindness, either in that moment or by welcoming that person with kindness upon a second encounter. This may feel counterintuitive, but most people respond well to kindness. It’s worth a try.

Last week, there were four skunks in my yard. They traveled en masse, body-to-body, undulating in their movements as one entity. When one of them veered left, the other three followed immediately, which I found reminiscent of the way migrating geese will adjust to a new leader, falling quickly into formation behind that goose. We observe these creatures with curiosity. They don’t behave at all like we do, and often not at all like any other creatures. We observe them with interest, not with judgement. Wouldn’t it be great if we could do the same with non-threatening humans?

backyard skunks, as seen through the pet screen of my porch, with a well cap in the forground

I don’t approach bears, but I do watch them from a safe distance. Likewise, I am unlikely to approach a homeless person who appears to be high on drugs when they are hanging out in a parking lot asking for money. But I can wonder, with kindness, what life circumstances have led them to this place in their lives. Blaming a victim of societal ills makes no more sense than blaming a skunk for its defensive mechanism of spraying what appears to threaten them. Yet, often, we humans are much harsher in our judgments of our own kind than of other creatures that may feel threatening to us.

What do we have to lose by attempting to judge less and accept more? Where are we without compassion?